Today feels like a good as time as any to talk about my mental state lately. Well, today is a hard day for me. It might be because I still have around a month left of school and the Word Factory is having glitches in production. I just started feeling melancholy (I say that instead of depression for my own dramatic purposes) last night. I had a workshop about developing graphic novels (I'm a pure beginner as a drawing artist, but one day I shall be better!) and I actually felt "in the moment." I left feeling good, even though I was exhausted, and thought that maybe certain classmates aren't as annoying as they seem.
It's hard to describe depression to someone who's never had experienced it. I even had a classmate recently tell me that no one can be depressed if they have to walk 2 miles to their therapist's office *side eye* *eye roll*. Some neurotypical people are not worth the time to correct them. But, if I had to describe how my depression works, it's kind of like when you take a piece of white paper and dip it into a well of ink. Once, it seeps into the fibers, it begins to fill it up slowly. At first, it's just tinged in the ink so it's not too bad, but because the ink found its way in, it becomes easier to absorb more and soon the white paper is just coated in it. It's not all black because you can still remember what it was like when you didn't feel so low and unmotivated, but you don't know what to do to get out of that funk.
A lot of other African- American writers with depression have said this, but the biggest obstacle is finding treatment and support. I've had depression since I was 8, but didn't see anyone until I was 21. There are moments where I was so close to just ending it all because I couldn't face one more day; my mom even walked in on one of these moments. However, she still grapples with understanding that telling me to "get over it" or "pray on it" is not the cure- all. Since I'm older, I know that that's how my mom was able to get over her own depression and that's the best advice she can give me. But, I am glad that I remembered the TalkSpace app. I didn't have any money to afford it before, but I used some of my student loan money to subscribe yesterday.
I guess I knew that my mind was going back to that dark place and nudged me to sign up. I could've used some new tires, but I'll put my mental health first this time. I just got matched up with a counselor, so hopefully it'll work out (well it better for $160/month) but I do like that I can shoot a text right when I'm feeling sad and then them reading and helping me with it.
I'm sorry if my wording seems a bit weird today. I'm find of in a fog and it seems that even my brain is lethargic right now. Luckily, it's almost the weekend!